Breathing underwater

Where can I flee from your presence? Lying still, not moving an inch, noises like a crashing drum, a banging cymbal, an explosion. A flash like lightening. A scream. “I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK”. Ouch that hurts. Pain Pain Pain. No stop.

Wait.

Where am I?

Pain Pain Pain

Noisy noisy noisy but ever so still. Stay still nobody move. Nobody panic. And the darkness closes in

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Hey Han how are you?”

“I’m fine thanks how are you?!”

“Yes really good thanks”

“What you been up to?”

“Not much and you?”

“Well I’ve been doing this and this and this and this”

“Ah that’s really great glad you’re enjoying yourself”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Sinking down, pain and calm. Ouch but ok. Noisy but smooth. Irate and mellow.

What can I say? I’m lying. Deception and fraud. Greed and hunger.

Ouch that’s painful.

Stop talking to me owwwwwwwww.

Leave me alone.

Ouch no that’s bad.

Go to sleep….pain

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“Hey Han, I am here for you. Let’s go for a walk. Let’s do some craft. We can do this together and you don’t have to speak. We can listen to the silence together.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Tears falling from my face, agony is eased, pain is appeased and the treacle I’ve been walking in slowly falls from my feet one drop at a time.

One small moment of relief. I can breathe again. No faking. No pretending. AND NO MORE JUDGEMENT! No more pain, stop talking please just listen. Listen to my heart can you hear it sing? The room falls silent. I can breathe again.

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe in

Breathe out

 

“I believe in miracles
‘Cause it’s a miracle I’m here
Guess you could call me spiritual
‘Cause physical is fear

And it’s safe to say the storms gone away
And I’m dancing on the morning after
Yes I’d love to stay, but my home’s the other way
And I miss the love and laughter
Something like flying
Hard to describe it
My God, I’m breathing underwater
Something like freedom, freedom
My God, I’m breathing underwater”
Emeli Sande

 

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